The letter
by StillHaddicted
Summary: One shot, before the end of season 6. Someone got married, and someone else life would change forever.


_**I found this old one shot while browsing my files. I loved it back then, when I wrote it: it was season 6, and Huddy seemed impossible to happen. I have a thing for drama and angst, you've been warned. I hope you like it, no matter what.**_

* * *

**Lucas and Lisa are glad to invite you**

**Be part of our love and happiness**

**Main Temple, Orchard Street**

**2010, May the 30th**

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_I should have started this with dear…but I think we'd agreed it wouldn't have been a good idea._

_I suck with words…well, I do have a thing with words, but not the kind of one people would need in this situation. Not for this. My words are harsh, rude, stinging, offensive… Whatever, pick something negative, you know what my words can do. Isn't that what kept you away from me in the end, after all? Damnit, a bunch of lines and I'm already losing the path! Good thing I decided to write in the end, at least you won't see me hesitate. I hate when you do._

_I'm gonna be ok, I'm not doing anything stupid like killing myself. I don't even want on go back on Vicodin. If anything, I've learned drugs can't heal everything. Shit, I can't believe I'm saying this. But you, of all the people, should be happy to know I've come to this conclusion. If you still care, of course. Ok, that was a low one… See? Even written, my words takes deflection and sarcasm path. I know you care…I guess it's just a matter of bad timing._

_I have to go. I need to leave. I've tried in any possible way to start over, to have a new life. I found out I suck when it comes to start over, might as well spend the rest of my life at Mayfield. At least, back there I could trust my own emotions, I could be myself… The new myself. Not necessarily a better one, but still… No one judged me there, no one expected something from me. No one wanted me to be or not be._

_You did._

_You've always had, and I've never really known why. I've never understood entirely why and how. I'm sorry I didn't, I could have been not such a pain in the ass to you. I could have make things easier for both of us. But I don't do easy, and frankly reminding you this is a waste of paper and ink. I thought more than once in these past months, seeing you evolve and go on without me like it was supposed to be, that Mayfield could be my place to be, that it should have been. You know, I get along great with looney, even without my mind blurred by drugs. But, according to Nolan, that would have been cheating. I do think the fact I ran out of my last session saying it was useless might have something to do with it…but he's right. And I knew he was, even before asking him. You should have seen me, you would have probably found it entertaining actually. Me, standing there with my suitcase in my hand, begging asylum like a refugee._

_I am homeless. I went back to my apartment, and the walls haunt me. I have no place to be, neither physically or emotionally. I belong to anybody, nobody belongs to me and certainly not you. It too a long, painful and difficult year to figure it out, and the bottle of bourbon on this table drown my pride and finally admit it. I've held you back for years, while you could have been happy. I've kept trying to make you miserable and lonely like I am, but you're not like me. You've never been, despite I tried to convince you of the contrary. Today is the day, the one we're finally parting ways for good. No, not just because I have a back packed with all the clothes I could carry, nor because the tank of my bike is full as much as my bank account is empty._

_Today is the day, because you're part of something that could never fit in my life._

_You've always been good to me, one way or the other. Let's be honest, you've always been there in the only possible way when it comes to someone like me. But this had changed, it was inevitable after all. Don't cry, don't be mad at yourself…be at me, it's easier. I'm accustomed to that, and I know you've always looked for reasons to hate me for me good._

_I'm gonna be ok, for all that matters. I don't plan to crash with my bike, or jump from a bridge, or become a name in a short news. I just have to go, and let people around me breath new and fresh air._

_Live your life. I've prevented you from living one for years, you have lot to catch up. Maybe things would have been easier for me too, if I'd figured this out earlier. You've given me so many chances, too many. It's about time you'd be free to enjoy your own. And it's about time I stopped living this lie, you're not the only one who did you know… At first it was funny, challenging even. But then there was just pain and sorrow, regret and guilt, disgust and shame, resentment. I couldn't bear it anymore. and you couldn't either._

_Today…you know, I've always looked at you like a door always open, one I would have found always ready to welcome me, just with a gentle push. I guess I've burst through that door too many times, and hinges finally broke. That's what I do after all; break things, break people, ruining everything I touch. I did it with you too, but thank God you've been strong, like I've always know you were, and you fought the evil standing next to you for all these years._

_Well, this is taking me forever, this writing thing is addictive. Looks like I can't live without some addiction, but at least this one won't fuck up my brain and have me see things that aren't true._

_Don't…whatever you might want to do after you've read this, don't. It will be easier for me to get in touch every now and then, if I know you're not anxiously waiting for my news. You know I don't do well under other people expectations. You've been a good friend Wilson, and maybe the only way I can be one for you, is to set you free._

_Bye_

_House_

_Ps: for God's sake don't marry Sam! You do know you can love them without have to marry them all, right?_

_Tell her I…tell her I wish her…_

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The last line was scratched. It looked like he had almost graved it on the sheet, afraid there could be a trace still readable. But she was unable to read it anyway. How could she, with tears streaming down her eyes, wedding day make up melting and pouring on her cheeks, sobs shaking her body… It was beautiful, and it wasn't for her. His soul, his heart, his whole deep, pure and blunt being were there, loaded on two sheets of handwritten paper, offered to the world's eyes to be finally revealed…

And it wasn't for her.

It was her wedding day, and she was supposed to be happy and married by then. Not a crying run-away bride in House's living room, holding his goodbye letter addressed to Wilson, because he hadn't felt worthy enough for her to even take his last and final farewell from her.

When Wilson came in, puzzled to find her there even more than what he had been to see her run away from Lucas, Cuddy had already read the letter countless times, trying to find different meanings in it. But it was pointless. Because there was just one, and when her teary eyes found Wilson's, her lips finally let it go.

"I lost him."


End file.
